Ladies and Gentleman … Not!
Will Manners and Chivalry Come Back Into Style?
The 1960’s have gotten a lot of attention on television, and not necessarily in a good way. Popular shows like Mad Men portray life - albeit through the rose-coloured lenses of Hollywood - as it was almost 60 years ago.
That was a time when women wore dresses and men always wore suits and hats. Men always paid for dinner and women were sexy and graceful without subjecting themselves to starvation diets. Etiquette still existed and so did good manners.
A recent magazine article I read expressed concern about how this and other similar primetime dramas were damaging to female equality. The author was distressed by the fact that television was attempting to glamorize the roles of women in a more submissive, male dominated time period.
Yes, the role of a Playboy Bunny was to excite and fan the flames of a man’s sexual desire. Some of us are old enough to remember when flight attendants were still called stewardesses and were exclusively women. And when corporate America was dominated exclusively by men, the only office work done by women was on a typewriter.
No matter how entertaining these stereotypical roles may be, watching a TV show is not going to influence me to vacuum in high heels or serve my husband a martini while he’s waiting for me to finish cooking his dinner. But when I see a man in a freshly starched shirt, pressed suit and fedora, I am reminded of classy style and chivalry of men like Cary Grant.
And then I wonder …. What happened?
The concern that portraying life in the 50’s and 60’s may cause some regression in the attitudes towards women may have some validity. I’m sure Gloria Steinem would be first to comment on the possible damage to the equality and independence of women that bra-burners have worked so hard to obtain.
Yes, women’s lib has “… come a long way, Baby…” but so has our descent back towards the caveman days of dragging women around by the hair. Okay, not quite, but frankly speaking, the present state of society ain’t so great.
Sure, the era of the 50’s and 60’s may have had society thinking backwards about the position and treatment of women, but there are desirable characteristics of those eras that have been lost to modern culture. There is a lack of graciousness and basic manners today, which has reached epidemic proportions.
There no longer seems to be such a thing known as pleasant society. On some days, there is nothing pleasant about it at all. Women swear like truckers, children entertain themselves by vandalizing everything, and men pay more attention to their Blackberrys than to the people in their lives. Chivalry truly is dead.
Greed, self-importance and selfishness are running rampant. Our daily lives are so packed, every minute so scheduled, that we just can’t seem to take the time to be pleasant to one another.
Has society truly become that lackadaisical in its treatment of others?
Last winter during the beginning of a snowstorm, I became stuck in the snow piled by a snowplow across the end of my aunt’s driveway. I was on my way to visiting her when I became stuck half in and half out of the lane. My aunt came out to help try and push my car out of the snowbank. A neighbor lady, who was walking her dog, tied her pooch to a porch post and aided in the fight to free my car and the blocked traffic behind me. The man next door (who seemed extremely fit, young and healthy) took a break from shoveling, leaned on the end of his shovel and watched three women, all of whom were smaller than him, struggle with a 3,500 pound vehicle. When we had finally managed to successfully push my car into the driveway, I emerged from my car and asked the male neighbor if he had enjoyed the show. The smile promptly disappeared from his face and he immediately went back to shoveling. The unknown dog-walking lady stated rather loudly, “Ah, that’s okay. What do we need a man for when we have woman power?” She boldly emphasized the words “woman power.” It made me proud that in one fell swoop we took care of ourselves and at the same time, made a man aware of his ungentlemanly-like conduct.
But it is not just men that are guilty of ungentlemanly-like conduct, however. Women are just as much to blame. Feminists have worked really hard to prove that men and women are equal. I can agree with that. Women can be equal — equally rude and objectionable.
Unfortunately, I know many women who are equal to some men in their use of both foul language and foul behavior. Gone are the days of coquettishness and grace. Just ask Lindsay Lohan and Miley Cyrus.
I’m not saying that all men should aspire to be just like Cary Grant or Jimmy Stewart. And I’m not saying that all women could achieve the elegance of Princess Grace or Audrey Hepburn. But it would certainly do the world some good to give it the old college try.
To go completely back to the ways of the 40’s, 50’s and 60’s would be all wrong. The roles of women in society have advanced greatly in many ways. There have been infinite improvements in women’s liberation, workplace equality, social justice and the destruction of the stereotypical gender roles.
Women no longer have to endure back alley abortions. The victims of abuse (sexual or otherwise) are no longer blamed for bringing it upon themselves. The pay rates and benefits of men and women who do the same job have become somewhat equalized (a few notable exceptions to this do apply, of course).
Men have also benefited from the women’s lib movement. They no longer bear the burden of being the sole breadwinner in the family. And neither are they exclusively responsible for going off to war. Men have also won the right to the same parenting privileges as women.
It has been a win-win situation for both sides in the battle of the sexes. So then why do I sometimes feel like I have lost? It might have something to do with the prominent businessman who let the door slam in my face earlier today. Or maybe it was the woman who glared in defiance as she let the elevator door close while I was racing towards it.
Common courtesies are disappearing at an alarming rate. It’s not the fault of either gender, but the guilty reality of “equilism.”
There are still men who know how to open a door for a lady. And some women will race forward to help a man who is struggling with a bag of groceries in one hand and a cranky two-year-old in the other. It just doesn’t happen as often anymore.
I remember a particularly windy day as I struggled to open the door to the pharmacy against the gale force. As I heaved the door open, I was bumped aside by a man who rushed past me and into the store. He gave me a dirty look when I smiled at the back of his head and said, “Ladies first,” in the most sarcastic tone I could muster.
Still, he was no match for the objectionable behavior of a woman who could not live without the can of coffee in my shopping cart. Coffee on sale is a more precious commodity than crude oil. When another female shopper discovered that she was too late, and that I had the last can, she removed it from my cart. I balked, stammered and said, “Excuse me, that’s mine.” Her reply was less than ladylike. “It ain’t yours cuz you didn’t pay for it yet.” She stuck out her tongue and dashed around the corner never to be seen or heard from again. I could have fought back, but preferred to maintain the dignity that she had obviously never known.
In case you think I am talking about teenagers and younger generation adults, let me correct you. These people who suffer from a remarkable deficit in basic social skills, are people who are well into their adult years. Even more frightening is the thought that if these people do not possess basic social skills, what kind of behavior are they passing on to their children?
And don’t blame the foreigners. These travesties of chivalry are perpetrated by the All-American white bread, native born and raised and English-speaking people that have lived here all their lives.
The chronic loss of chivalry is not just apparent in the lack of courtesy with which we treat each other, but also in the way we treat ourselves. It may be a symptom of disappearing self-esteem and self worth, or just plain laziness.
A few years back, a man in a small town in Louisiana campaigned for the passing of a law which prohibited the wearing of pajamas in public. Although such a law would be extremely difficult to enforce if passed, the reasons for Michael William’s objections were valid. He said that “The moral fiber … is dwindling,” and that “… it is time to put some respect back into society.”
Teenagers wear pajama bottoms to school, woman wear skimpy tops and too-tight jeans displaying all of their worldly goods. Men wear saggy bottom pants and t-shirts with offensive language.
I don’t want to know the name brand of underwear being worn by the man in line ahead of me at the bank. I don’t want to know that my next door neighbor’s daughter thinks her butt is “juicy.” If I see an adult wearing ripped jeans, a baggy t-shirt and a baseball cap, I don’t want to wonder if it’s a man or a woman. And I most certainly do not want to know that the service person behind the counter at the local coffee shop has circular tattoos around her nipples … trust me, don’t ask …
Society needs to take a look back to the silver screen era. Men and women dressed differently; it was easy to tell them apart. Children were well behaved and their mothers didn’t scream at them in public when they weren’t behaving. Men would come to the aid of a woman who needed it and women came to the aid of each other.
There is no reason that society couldn’t be like that again. Everyone just needs to get their priorities straight. And our priorities should be to each other, not to an iPad or cellphone, not to the almighty dollar and not to our own desires.
It is the simplest actions that make the biggest impressions. The relatively simple act of holding a door open for someone not only makes that person feel like a human being, it makes us, the door-holders feel a little more human at the same time.
Once you have started, you can’t stop. Being polite and gracious is addictive and habit-forming. It makes you feel good inside — not just because you have committed a selfless deed — but because you have also made someone else feel good.
Manners help build society, not weaken it. I hope they come back into style. I also hope that fedoras come back into style, but I have a feeling that only Cary Grant could bring those back!
